Self Affirmation
©2003 Theresa Goodell

Our concept of ourselves is formed, in part, from that which we hear other people say about us and to us in our formative years. The other part of what helps us develop our self concept is the way we're treated; the way others behave towards us, in our formative years. The words people say to us become a part of our inner minds, deep in our subconscious. I've heart then referred to as "negative" or "positive" prompters and as "tapes" Those tapes play over and over at a level where we're not conscious and prompt our behavior. For instance: If I feel I am pretty, smart and popular and then I see two people whispering together in a corner with glances in my direction, I will, most probably, think they are admiring me in some way. Based on that assumption, I'll feel good about both myself and the two whisperers. Later when I meet them, I'll probably treat them with extra warmth, smiling and asking gracious questions. At the very least my self concept will be enhanced. However, if I'm fairly sure I'm a social klutz and not as smart or pretty as anyone else in the room, I might believe the two whisperers are talking about what a geek I am. Later, when I meet them, I will probably look down at the ground, speak as little as possible and get away as soon as I could. Do you see how our self concept can influence our behavior? That behavior, in turn, influences the way people treat us, thus reinforcing what ever self concept we already have. Somewhere, the cycle must be broken, if our self concept is not as positive as we wish.

How do you think of yourself? Do you see yourself as a disabled person or a person with a disability? There is a vast difference. Are you defined by your illness? Or are you defined as the person you've always been with an illness.

I refuse to be defined as Ehler's Danlos or as Fibromyalgia. I refuse to be defined as a disabled person. I am disabled in many ways, but I'm so much more! Nope, I can't walk long distances the way I used to be able to. I can't vacuum and dust a room without sitting down to rest several times. In fact, there are many, many "cant's" on my list of disabilities. However, there are also many "cans". When I applied for disability, I was turned down; not because I wasn't disabled but because I haven't worked in so long. Those 20 years I did work before I became a stay at home mom, don't count anymore. As I was talking it over with my Mom, she said, "Teri, get yourself writing again and make a little money doing what you can do". She was right. As a massage therapist, I'm finished. I just can't do the work anymore. However, I can practice my Reiki. As a teacher, I'm finished. I can no longer deal with a classroom full of people. But I can still be a life coach. Coaching can even be done online or over the phone! I am no longer able to stand up in front of people and do workshops, but I can still write. I had begun to think of myself as a disabled person with few choices rather than a person with disabilities. My mom changed that around with only one sentence. What if she'd said, instead, "Oh Teri, nothing ever seems to work for you"? I'd have taken that right in and added to my unconscious tapes that play over and over. Would I have started writing again? I think probably not. You see, I already have to work very hard to overcome tapes in my subconscious that play words like, "Poor dumb Teri", "What do you know?" and "That's pretty stupid. How can you not be embarrassed to have said it?". These words are courtesy of people who actually did love me. They just didn't know how damaging their words would be. In the old days, before I started replacing all those negative tapes with positive affirmations about myself, I wouldn't even have heard the words my mom said. I'd never have heard her say I could write. In fact, she might not have known it. I didn't start publishing my writing until a few years after I learned about positive self talk.

I began doing affirmations the year I was 15. I'd come from an incredibly abusive home life and was at a crossroads when I met my mentor, Hadley. Hadley was an elderly gentleman who lived to teach teens the tools they needed to survive on this planet. Positive affirmations were part of his tool kit. I began with things like, "I am smart and successful. I contribute to the world", and "I am a child of God and God makes no mistakes. I am valuable to the Universe". I still fall into the "OMG, I'm not smart enough" mind set when I'm depressed or overwhelmed, but for the most part, at this point in my life, I believe those statements. I believe I'm valuable to the Universe and that means valuable on the planet to me. I believe I'm smart and successful. I believe those things because as I began saying them 144 times a day, I began making choices based on that self concept and I actually did become successful. I went out and did things that would insure it rather than hiding at home the way I had before "talking to myself" was introduced to me. You can do it too. We all can. It's a matter of replacing the negative prompters with positive ones. Nature abhors a vacuum. You cannot just get rid of that within your mind you don't like. You need to actively replace it with what you want to be there.

How did people treat you as you were growing up? If they didn't treat you with respect, it's probable, you don't treat yourself with respect at this point in your life. Do you make sure you take care of you as well as you take care of your families? Or do you leave taking care of you until last and then, only if time and energy permit? How would that affect your concept of yourself. I can tell you how it affect mine! I felt like Cinderella before the ball. I cooked and cleaned and home schooled and then, while the kids went out and had fun, I did it all some more! At one point, I looked around and realized I was facilitating their lifestyle while I played the role of a servant. My self concept was in the toilet and I was entrenched in a cycle of behavior that was bound to carve it in concrete. I began to take care of me first and then give to the rest of them. At first, mind you, this new approach to life did not go over well. And, why would it? All of a sudden they, who were used to coming first with themselves and also first with me, were taken down a peg. They were surprised and frustrated. After explaining the concept of Me Time to them, they understood. It did take a few years for the pattern to run as smoothly as the old pattern had, however. The best part of this change in attitude for me was I began to see myself as an important part of a team, rather than "chief cook and bottle washer". It was good for me. It allowed me to begin to behave in a way that brought me more respect and thus greater satisfaction with my life. I even began to develop a social life, which until then, I'd given away little by little, until I had only acquaintances, but no one with which to share the more personal.

Affirmations are simply self talk. As you go through your day, begin to notice what you say to yourself. Do you call yourself dumb or stupid? Do you call yourself a sick, old woman? How do you describe yourself? When I was first given this assignment, I found I often called myself dumb. Someone very close to me had used, "Poor little dumb, Teri" as an endearment. I believed her. I began telling myself I was smart in many different ways. "I am smart" was a start but I needed something in which I could believe. I really didn't believe I was smart. So found other affirmations that I could hang onto a bit better. I used, "I am good at math." That was true. I used, "I understand whatever is said to me". Do you see where I'm going with this? I picked out positive things about me that I believed and said them over and over again along with, "I am smart". All of the things I did believe added up to being smart. So I convinced myself! The "Poor little dumb Teri" tape got harder and harder to hear. I began this affirmation at a time when I was not doing well in school. As it turned out, I scored really high on the SAT's about a year later. I really believe those test scores had a lot to do with what I was saying to myself about who I was.

The year I was 22, I was at school in Canada. I had been there the year before and been promised my job back after summer vacation at home. I arrived at school to find my job gone. I had tuition and room and board to pay and I didn't know what to do. Jobs were scarce and I was broke. I did two things. I did a visualization as well as affirmations. I said, 144 times a day, "I am employed in a job I love". It took three days to be accepted as a social worker at the a girls group home for the Children's Aid Society. I was the only social worker there who didn't have a Masters Degree and I was a year short of my Health Sciences degree! It works. I loved that job and was paid twice what I'd been expecting to be paid at the job that had disappeared. I also felt good about who I was and what I did for a living. I began to see myself as a professional. The more I felt I fit that role the more I behaved as such and the more doors opened for me.

As I began to realize how sick I was and be more and more afraid of what that meant for my future, I began looking for answers. I was into my "servant stage" and it was only after I had made a few visits to my fibro counselor, I began to remember, I was in charge of my body as well as my life. Those changes in my lifestyle, I mentioned before were a direct result of that realization. I also started doing affirmations for healing. I began with, "I am a radiating center of health". That affirmation didn't lead to perfect health but it did lead to answers. I believe it led that direction because it motivated me to keep looking. I wasn't willing to accept that the vague ideas the doctors were substituting for definite answers were all there was. I found alternative answers that have made my life much easier. And I, honestly have much more energy and much less pain than I did at the beginning of this journey. I use simple affirmations. If my shoulder (one of my trouble spots) is particularly painful, I say over and over, "My shoulder is healing quickly and efficiently". It usually does!

I have a lot of trouble with social anxiety. I always have. One of the affirmations that works really well for me is," I am a radiating center of Divine Love; mighty to attract my good and radiate good to others". Another one is, "I love all people; all people love me. God protects me in all my relationships".
You'll have different challenges than I do. I've put up a few of the affirmations I use in a form you can print out and paste in places you frequently look. The link below will take you to them. I find having them posted about the house, helps me remember to say them to myself.

Who do you want to be as opposed to who you feel you are? How do you feel about you are? You are in complete control. You can be whoever you choose to be. It's a matter of believing and believing is a matter of self-talk. Come up with some of your own affirmations and try saying them to yourself. I use the formula 144 times a day for 21 days until I expect to see visible changes. That insures that they become strong in my subconscious. I've said them often enough for them to replace the negatives I've been carrying around for so long. I don't quit at 21 days though. That's just the beginning. I do an affirmation until my life has changed enough to make the affirmation a boring statement of fact, rather than an exhilarating beginning of change.