Cause and Effect
The Atmosphere in which we live.
© 2006 Theresa Goodell
Copying permitted if all material is kept together and authorship acknowledged.

There are so many of us coping with chronic pain and exhaustion! We get together on message boards and in chat rooms in order to be with "our kind". We write articles about coping. We write letters to "normals" about how to treat us properly, so we can better cope and we talk endlessly about those who don't understand what we're going through. Many, many of us are frustrated with our marriages and our relationships with our children and we blame it on the disease. These things may all be true! It may be that our spouses and families don't understand. It may be that, in fact, they don't care. It may even be that they just aren't interested and want us to get on with our lives and quit whining. There is a simple way to find out.
Are we treating those we care about in the same way we wish to be treated? Are we making sure we're interested enough in their challenges to find out what they are and do a bit of research? Are we careful to be understanding when they aren't able to do that which they want to? How do we phrase our requests for help? Do we ask for assistance when we're actually able to do for ourselves? How much have we changed our life style in order to be as independent as possible?
This came to mind when my daughter sat broken hearted and said, "I wish I could help you, Mom!". I know she wants to help me. We're in the middle of a challenging move and I'm recovering from the virus from hell (or not recovering as the case may be). I'm exhausted and overwhelmed and panicked that I'm not able to pitch in and do "my part" and that "my part" is actually not getting done! My daughter feels as impotent as I do. She isn't able to "do it all". Am I being understanding of the load she carries due to my illness?

My son feels frustrated when I'm not able to understand what he's telling me. He desperately wants me to be as sharp as I was when he was growing up. Am I doing all I can do to focus when he speaks? Am I being understanding of his natural frustration?

How much do I whine? How positive am I when I speak? It's been proven in study after study that when we are negative it brings those around us down and when we're positive it can lift them up. Do I bring those around me down? Do I increase the stress in my house by dwelling on my infirmities? Or do I lift them up by finding the joy in my life and expressing that? It's so easy to fall into depression when we're disabled. How much do we spread that depression around?
I ask these questions because I honestly believe, "What we sow is what we reap". I believe in cause and effect. I believe if I plant a carrot seed in the spring, I will reap a carrot in the fall. I've never planted a carrot seed in the spring and dug up a radish in the fall. If I plant seeds of frustration, discontent, and irritation, I am likely to reap the results of that. How many of us can stay focused on the joy with someone who's expressing irritation? If I plant the seeds of joy and excitement about life, then am I not more likely to reap that harvest? I think so.

My assignment for me for the next 3 days is to:

1. Make sure everything I say is positive. I don't mean in a Pollyanna way. I mean that if there is a problem I need to discuss with someone, I won't just drop the problem in their lap. I'll say something like, "We need to work out a solution. Here's the problem. These are the possible solutions I've come up with. What do you think"?
2. I'm going to make sure each request is preceded by please and followed with thank you. And I'm going to smile while I say it!
3. If I disagree with what someone has said, instead of saying, "No" and then going on with my opinion, I'm going to find something positive to say about what they've said and then follow it with what I think.
4. I'm going to find something to be joyful about and express it.
5. I'm going to find three positive things each day about each person living in my home and tell them.
6. I'm going to focus on what each one of my people has to say and ask them about the things in which they are interested. I'm going to make each one of them feel special by the interest I take in them.
What do you suppose I'm going to be getting back from them? Is it worth a try in your home?